The Truth

TRUTH

The truth. Easy to demand, hard to deal with. 
When we ask for the "truth", do we have any idea what we are asking for:? Are we sure it is what we want? Really want? 
And after we get our truth, can we honestly say we were lied to, when in fact such irrelevant and unimportant , yet equally damning facts were kept from us for the protection of not only ourselves, but also everyone involved. What it all boils down to really is; who are we to judge the choices others make while we have no idea what led to that? Who are we to say "you lied" when in actual fact we knew we wouldn't be able to handle it. to handle "the truth".

"You want the truth?" I asked. The rest of the conversation was blurry and awkward after that. I know I said  a little too much, but I had to. I was forced to reveal a truth that pains me to even think about.

"Smooth seas don't make good sailors" they say. Looking at the text in context, I'm supposed to be one amazing sailor. The week behind me was an extremely tough one, and I'm struggling to understand that its somehow supposed to train me for worse. I'm proud of the way I handled it, although I will always hate myself for the fact that it started to begin with.

The truth! Easy to demand, hard to deal with.
By keeping a piece of information from someone, are we then lying? Had we been confronted and asked, we were probably going to tell the truth, this wonderful mystery so many seek.

Is the truth really what we want, or are we holding to others' "lies" just so we can forget about our own demons for a while? In that light, why???
Is it worth knowing if all it will do is tear up and destroy? Is it worth killing for? Is it worth dying for? When you say you should've been told despite the risk, do you even know what the risks were? Who are you to make such demands?

A bond, so perfectly built on honesty and trust, and so horribly destroyed by a single fact that was totally irrelevant to the current situation. 2 beautiful years, reduced to nothing in a matter of seconds.
You never asked, and I never told you. I cannot be sorry for what I did and what I chose not to do. It wasn't lying, it was protecting you. I didn't tell you because I knew you were going to react in the way you did. Another reason I didn't tell you, the biggest reason I chose to keep that away from you; IT DIDN'T MATTER!!! 

Now that you know what you know, now that you went out to find your own truth, now that you know what I know, you will never look at me the same way. Neither will I. 

You were perfect in every way imaginable. You were understanding and patient and I adored you for that. I had a rough day coming up ahead, but you weren't moved. Your selfishness overclouded your patience and your confrontation had my knees weak. Your accusations felt like a punch to the throat.
You wanted what you wanted, you wanted your "truth", and to hell with my well-being at the time.

I gave you all that I had, and still it wasn't good enough. With all that said, with your selfish and heartless acts of that day, I struggle to find the perfection I once saw in you. I struggle to understand why I looked up to you.
The general argument is, of course, that you never asked me to idolize you, but you see; neither did I. You were just so perfect, I couldn't help it. I think that is the only thing I can say I'm sorry for.

You wanted the truth? You got it. I just hope it was worth it.

Faith

FAITH!!!!

 

"When life hands you lemons, take them. Free stuff is awesome."

A quote I found one day on the internet. For many, well most (myself included) it's quite humerous and innocent. But for a select few, its one of the most beautiful and inspiring pieces ever said.

 

I came to realise it just a few days ago when it seemed like everything in my life was disintergrating. My bestfriend had attempted suicide after she didn't deny spreading rumours about something only she knew. Another close friend was becoming an unprepared parent, I was dangerously close to exams exams and I still didnt understand the work, and I was a few days away from my birthday and I just found out I wouldn't be where I wanted to be to celebrate it. I know all this doesn't seem major, but for an 18 year old trying to deal with life after high school, I was slowly but surely becoming a mess.

I wasn't asking for a great big party or something of that sort, I just wanted to be home, with family on my special day.

 

It all seemed so unreal. As if it was all just a horrible dream and I was going to wake up soon and return to my idyllic life. I lay in bed one night and forced myself to come to terms with the cold reality that it wasn't a dream and it needed to be dealt with.

 

"...free stuff is cool" they said. Here I was, with my bucket of lemons and I was expected to find the joy one would normally get from getting "free stuff"! Where would I begin? What was there to find? The answer: FAITH!!

 

When we get to our wits' end, we discover that that's where God lives.

 

You see, faith isn't about what you think you deserve. It isnt about "I did 20 good deeds, and so I deserve 20 blessings."

Faith, true faith, throws the "I believe what I see" theory entirely and completely out of the window. It puts in disregard eveerything that you have heard from the world and leaves you with what your heart tells you. It strips you naked of all your fears and steals your innermost anger and despair.

 

It doesn't guarantee no tears, in fact, tears become such a reality that you learn to cherish them because you KNOW breakthrough is coming. Faith is the only thing that lets you know it is darkest just before it is light. You learn to embrace your pain and find your passion for life through it.You grow to become an actual and active part of your feelings and emotions. Not only do you survive, but you thrive! And then you come to realise that had it not been for those "lemons", you wouldn't be the strong individual that you are today. Because of those lemons, you are able to appreciate life more, and make the little things count.

 

Whenb you get over it and manage to walk away, don't leave with nothing. Take the strength and courage you gained and wrap it up with the lesson you got. No matter how big or small your troubles are, there is always a silver lining.

 

"When life hands you lemons, take them. Free stuff is cool."

You Can Never Escape Yourself

WHEN IS "SORRY" SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH??

 

When is asking for forgiveness asking for too much? when do we realise we overstepped the boundary line and crossed over to way too much? What does one do when one becomes trapped and stuck knee deep in ones own self-inflicted drama? What do we do when the one secret that we swore we would take to the grave is the one thing slowly but surely leading us there?

 

Do we tell another lie and hope to free ourselves even if its for a little while? But the burden becomes a physical pain and an obstacle blocking spiritual growth and maturity. The guilt and shame are a constant reminder of your stupidity.

 

The general argument is that we tell the truth, and it will all be over. But will it, really? Will playing "good girl" solve anything at all? The truth is not only going to hurt, but it will surely destroy.

 

When one acknowledges ones mistake and pledges to never go back there again, is it not enough? Why is there still a deficiency? What exactly should be done?

A lie told by an unfit teenager, remained hidden for years. Now as a young adult, it still haunts her. Guilt and shame drown her as she starts doubting her own credibility and sanity. She has built friendships, relationships and partnerships (all true and honest) with people who believed this lie was gospel truth. Should she tell the truth, chances are she loses everything but lives freely. But then again, what is a clear conscience worth if one is alone?

 

She needs to stop running from herself, but where would she begin should she decide to settle down? Does she confess the truth and ask for forgiveness? She was a mere teenager and surely no one can hold her responsible for the crazy stories she told? If only it were that simple. It is not so, and she is responsible!

 

Sometimes, I'm sorry I lied isn't enough. And even if it kills her, this secret she will take to her grave!

Giving up, giving in and giving your all

GIVING UP THE FAILUREPROOF WAY

"If you want to see the rainbow, you have to learn to dance in the rain".

There is a fine line between giving up because you are a weak quitter, and letting go because there is nothing left to fight for. The best and strongest person in the world is one who knows the difference and knows what to do!
Life hands us so many lemons at a time and at some point we are bound to get tired of making lemonade and following all other "think positively" quotes and advice pieces. When you tire, you tire and the best thing you can do is know that is okay because you too are human!
Things don't always pan out the way we plan, so we begin to give up and give in to things we never dreamt ourselves doing. we fall into traps of lies and self pity, we become angry at the world and in turn choose to self destruct.  We fall prey to things like substance abuse and promiscuity, and when things take a nasty turn, we blame the world, or God or whatever and whoever you believe put there. Is that giving up? In the worst way possible but yes!
And so that raises the question; where exactly does giving up and giving in begin? Is it perhaps when you take the first step in throwing away your morals and values because they have brought you nothing but all this pain and suffering? Is it the when you think about your first act of self destruction? When you sigh and let the world take what is left of you? Answer differ for every individual and I have no right whatsoever to judge.

You see, the thing with being FailureProof is that you must know and believe with all your heart that failure is a choice. Missing the mark is inevitable, no matter how hard we work, but failure on the other hand; now that is a choice.

Giving in, for me, begins when you stop to think and start to worry. What was meant to be will be with or without your worrying. But giving up on the other and, now that is a whole new story.!
I speak from personal experience when I say that giving up is not always a bad thing. I had to give up on my dream (or at least I think it was my dream) to study one thing so that my eyes could be opened to the realisation that it was nowhere near what I wanted anyway. I was forced to reconsider my efforts and my life this far and try to imagine where I could've gone wrong. I had to wait and even though I hated every minute of it, I developed something I never thought I would; patience! Now I know what I want, what I really want and the future looks promising.
If you want to give up, then please do so, but only if its giving up on one dream to start chasing a bigger and better one.
Life knocked me down and brought me to my knees. in that year that I was forced to lay low and reconsider my choices thus far, I learnt to cook, I bonded with my family, I made new friends, travelled a little and most importantly, I learnt to wait and I learnt to pray!
Getting back to where I spoke of self destruction and self pity, I know that road all too well. All its speed bumps and nasty curves, all it sharp bends and deep potholes. You see, I was only 14 when  I became a cutter. I didn't want to die, not that I can remember anyway. I just wanted the the world, God, my family to see the mess I had become. What I was molded and forced into. I inflicted pain upon myself day after day hoping someone would ask what was the matter and i would reply with "its all your fault!" I needed something and someone to blame. I was 14 and what I knew about life was dangerous! I heard someone say if I wanted to see the rainbow then I had to learn to dance in the rain. At the time it seemed like it would never end, that my rainbow would never come. How mistaken was I then?! I gave up on cutting when it too become a monotonous chore.
I don't know when exactly did I realise that everything that has a start, has an ending. The flood in Noah's Ark was there to bring life to a dying world. I opened my eyes and realised that yes, life was perhaps a race, but I was so blessed to have people on the sidelines cheering me on. Yes, the same people I wanted to blame for my insecurities and failures were the people who kept me grounded and loved me.

I don't know who is going to read this, or even when. So why am I sharing such an intimate part of myself? I don't really know.. I guess somehow I'm hoping that if my story can touch one life and encourage one soul, just one, is it then not worth it?

I gave up on life, and gave in to the world and it's pressures, the experiences taught me that next time I give, I should give nothing but my all.

So before you give up and give in, remember its always darkest just before its light. Whatever you are going through, whatever you are facing, you can do it!!!

The Aftermath

THE AFTERMATH

 

The only time you realise how much you've grown and changed is during conversation with an old friend"

I read that somewhere and strange enough, I related perfectly to it.

 

As I ponder through my primary and early high school photos, I am forced to deal with the reality that that little girl has disappeared ages ago!

I know I will probably say the same about myself  in 10-20 years from now!

 

The memories created back then are just as much a part of my life now as those I am still creating as the new and perhaps improved me. I sometimes dig deep and use the innocent strength of the little girl I once was to fight the battles I do today. A little unfair? Perhaps. But she was faithful. A little blind and too trusting perhaps, but she had a faith and it is that faith that I use , that I need to slay the monsters of today. To be able to stand in the midst of it all and say "I was there. I made it!"

 

I don't have much of that little girl, except memories and a faith that it too shall come to pass. It was her, it was that little girl who taught me to laugh with abandonment, cry with emotion, touch with love and handle with care. I stand today in the rubble, the mess, the aftermath and I ask her to not only walk for me, but also teach me how.

 

The Aftermath!

How did I even get here? I made a list of all the things I thought could have led me here.; all the faulty decisions I perhaps made, all the times I lied, cheated and stole. Where did I go wrong? Where did I fail? This is not who I wanted to be.1 I never planned to pan out like this!

There really is no straight answer to some of life's questions. I had a map of all the roads I took that eventually possibly led me to this burning field of impurity and regret, and I realised it wasn't going to work. I had to find a different approach.

You see, as you grow older, your reasoning changes. What I shyed away from as a child, is now open for discussion at the dinner table. What was absolutely essential back then is now packed away in a little box I hardly ever open (that's if I still have it)

 

Growth is inevitable, change is crucial, and trust is essential.

This forces me to think though; is the aftermath then not the wake-up call we all so desperately desire but are too busy fooling ourselves with a fake layer of contentment to realise how absolutely unhappy our monotony is making us?

As children, we dream of our perfect lives and plan our perfect futures. When those dreams and plans become dulled with responsibility and bills to pay, we sneak into the nearest corner and tell ourselves that we are happy with what we have...until that old friend call you up and you both start to remember what it was supposed to have been like. Then, just like me, you stand in an open veld fire and make up little stories and lies explaining why your dreams are kept in boxes and hidden compartments, why you are where you are instead of where you are supposed to be.
"But I'll come back later", the most common excuse!

 

Then you stand in a pool of flashbacks and question how you got there. Did you build your empire, or just an empire? Are you who you promised yourself as a child, you were going to grow up to be?

As you stand in the rubble, the mess, the loss, fold your map. You took the road your maturity at the time told you was best. Forget the regret and time wasted. Who are you now? Where are you? Is that little child proud? (Please do not misunderstand me. I am not asking you to quit your job in the army to become a violin player like you dreamt, or something of that sort.)

 

Me? This is my aftermath. I am a little lost, and a little confused, but that is all right. Somewhere in the rubble I will find myself . The world has broken me into a million tiny pieces, but that is fine. I'll pick them up and together we will start again. Her faith will glue me together and hand-in-hand we shall walk.

Finding strength in sorrow

STRONG

We had been friends for many years. We talked about anything and everything imaginable. O f course we often fought, but nothing we couldn't recover from. Oh, how I miss our long chats and popcorn on the stairs. The long walks we took when we were supposed to be studying, and the blame games that followed when our midnight oils left us grouchy and moody.

The laughter, the innocence and the comfort. We were best friends and nothing could separate us.That was what we thought until today 2 years ago

We fought, and unlike all the other times, we failed to recover. I doubt we ever will. Yes, we forgave and forgetting is a path we are still discovering.

Why am I telling you all this, you may ask? Well, under normal circumstances, I'd be the first to say "friendship is one of the greatest gifts ever. Don't let a stupid little argument come in between something so beautiful and true. Fight for your friend and fight for what you don't want to lose." , or something along those lines.
Well, you see, experience has taught me that "normal" doesn't exist. There are no "normal circumstances" and "normal people". I am different from the next person (thankfully) and our friendship was one of a kind! I would love to fight if that would change anything. I would love to have another stupid conversation about the weather and music and parents and future plans, with my best friend, and I am sure he would love to as well, but we can't. You see, had it not been for that fight, that argument, we would never have discovered how strong we are as individuals.

That night, truths were revealed and scandals exposed. We had to decide what was more important and so we painfully realised that even our priorities are different. After so many years of being inseparable, we stood and questioned what could've possibly kept us so close. We realised that as the years went on, we had become our own persons but still fitted perfectly with each other and the rest of our circle.

I knew that being being his friend after what had happened would mean having everyone else turn their backs on me. Little did I know tat he was in the exact same boat.

We chose to terminate our friendship not because of the people or their pressures, but because we knew that even though we tried, it would never return to the way they once had been.

All that was today, 2 years ago.

The hurt was overwhelming and the loss unbearable. We had so many plans together and survived so many sticky (literally) situations. We got into and out of trouble together and navigated our way through life, self-discovery, learnt emotional stability, and with each day that passed, we understood the meaning of friendship in its purest and truest form. i will be grateful for the few years I had him as a companion and brother.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is; people will come into ones life for reasons not always clear to oneself.  I had to lose him to know what he meant to me and understand the lessons I had learnt by being his friend. This may sound cruel and a bit heartless but; not all friendships are meant to last forever. We tried to save what we could but it had long become clear that our roles in each others' life scripts were over. We had no part to play anymore.

I'm not sad anymore. I'm thankful, because I know now that it is okay. I understand that in order to know what you have, sometimes you have to let it go .

Of all the lessons life has taught, only a few are worth sharing with the world. I have learnt that the strongest aren't those who don't cry. The strongest people are those who know the difference ween a time to fight and a time to let go because you know it wasn't meant to be.

So, whoever you are, and whatever you are going through, think about this; how strong are you right now? Are you holding on and fighting for the right reasons?



Fail Proof

Fail proof

Failure Proof? Really? Is there such a thing? I mean, can we bubble wrap ourselves and become resistant to failure? Isn't failure part of the "roller-coaster ride" that we are supposed to enjoy? I don't know. I guess it all depends who you are and how you look at situations.

I was once told you can "prevent" bad luck and failure, so let's try. Let's put our salt in magnetic canisters and perhaps they wont fall over. Shut your eyes if you suspect it was a black cat that you just saw. Perhaps you will get only three and a half years. Cement every crack in your home and pray the plumber survives. Please, go ahead, let's bubble wrap and box ourselves to prevent bad luck. This makes me wonder though; by becoming captives in our own world, by letting our superstitions and trivial fears bind us, are we not subjecting ourselves to the worst kind of luck? But then again, it all boils down to who you are and how you look at it.

I believe the same goes for failure. We fail to live because of the fear of failure. We dare not try that dance move because of the what-ifs. We fail to ask that question in class because of the fear of what people might say. We fail to try for the marathon in case we don't get the gold. "oh the sheer humiliation."
But of all that, the greatest fear that we should have is regret! Is it not better to try and fail than to fail to try? Easier said than done, you might think. Well, you see, I'm not one for motivational poetry and such outrun, outdated and overdone lifestyle quotes. Me? I'm practical. I know what I'm talking about. I've been there. For years I lived not only with the fear of failure, but failure itself!
Stepping away from my fails and bad luck wasn't due to some miraculous set of circumstances (unless you consider time and age as such.), it was a decision! My mistakes and fails aren't going to keep me confined to some dark corner. NO! Not anymore! In my fear I have found freedom.

You know what I say now? Leave the salt on the table. If it falls, I'll draw pictures. Leave the cracks on the ground, lets play hop-scotch. Invite the black cat over for a play date (if he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. There are no excuses for deliberately hurting yourself or the animal while you were forcing it to roll over ad purr. I wont be held liable for such!)

Failure proof? I am! I'm human and I will fall. But I wont cry over skinned knees. I will appreciate how beautiful the world looks when one is on the ground.
If you think you are, then you are right. If you think you are not, you are still right. It all depends on you look at it!